Although to be honest, I do not believe the shortcomings stem from the school’s population or those I am interacting with on a daily basis– I believe that the larger problem stems from within me. It is my social inadequacy and my personal issues that interfere with creating the lasting relationships that I truly wanted so badly to treasure at the beginning of this school year. I feel as if I so many ‘issues’ I need to work through in order to be in the mindset to make these connections with other people. I still look wistfully back at the month of september, ruefully wishing I could do it all over again.

I digress… It is not all me, for the administration at this school is lackluster at best. Coming from an undergraduate college where, yes, administration could be a pain, but at least there was a theme, there was a system and organization. However, here many of the administrative, and not to mention classroom tasks, seem off the cuff. Completely freelance to the point where I am left lost with my head spinning. “What?” Where is the cooperation? However, when these questions run through my mind, I am constantly circling back to the fact that I expect too much from a school that is making so many changes in the world.

That being said, crassly put: What should I truly come to expect from dealing with hippies in every sector of the school? That is a distinctly, but not wholly unfounded observation however, and the fact remains that I am living in constant frustration… from my living situation to trying desperately to make appointments, obtaining letters of recommendation etc. I wish I could collectively shake the school… “Listen! I have big plans here! I have letters I need, and transcript that need to be mailed! I have goals and dreams that extend far beyond 1 Kipling Rd… Why is that so hard to digest!?”

I had certainly been holding that in for a while. In any case, I have learned a lot intellectually, and am still struggling to find my niche. For example: I am learning how to hold Councils through a growing trend ‘Way of Council’ and Circle Processes– every single attempt has failed. It has not been pleasant to observe. I seem to have failed at ay attempts at using my cultural mediation skills and perhaps I do not know as much about NGOs as I should… All these short comings, I certainly must have retained something, somewhere along the line!

Now, in this new semester (Spring I) I will be embarking on Social Change and Organizational Behavior II. The ‘away at camp’ mentality has faded and I have learned to not fall into the pit of useless ideology that I was previously so susceptible to. Just because everyone around me is championing how the military is evil, or there is only one route to change in human rights abuses does not mean that I will give up my values and fundamental beliefs. I will no longer hide my aspirations about the future. It’s my future, what concern is it of my classmates whether or not that concerns the military or the government. I have some incredibly high expectations to fill, both personal and external, and I am going to pledge to solidify my education, my beliefs and values as I see fit. Combining my own confidence, and an open mind, I feel that I will after all, get something out of this incredibly expensive intensive Masters Degree.

Wish me luck.

Мне ни к чему одические рати

И прелесть элегических затей.

По мне, в стихах все быть должно некстати,

Не так, как у людей.

Когда б вы знали, из какого сора

Растут стихи, не ведая стыда,

Как желтый одуванчик у забора,

Как лопухи и лебеда.

Сердитый окрик, дегтя запах свежий,

Таинственная плесень на стене…

И стих уже звучит, задорен, нежен,

На радость вам и мне.

Translation: I have no use for odic legions…

I have no use for odic legions,
Or for the charm of elegiac play
For me, all verse should be off kilter
Not the usual way.

If only you knew what trash gives rise
To verse, without a tinge of shame,
Like bright dandelions by a fence,
Like burdock and like cocklebur.

An angry shout, the bracing smell of tar,
Mysterious mildew on the wall…
And out comes a poem, light-hearted, tender,
To your delight and mine.

–> Anna Andreevna Akhmatova (21 January 1940)

Я люблю это стихотворение, поскольку она укрепляет концепцию простоты и многогранный аренах красоты. Красота человека.

It is interesting to think about this being the Masters degree. I feel that I have not experienced enough yet in my life to be granted the opportunity to study among such learned, amazing people. I feel that I do not demonstrate the same level of, I struggle to locate the appropriate word, the certainty,  as my classmates. They all seem to know who they are. They have completed, or at least are far along in narrowing their ability to create themselves into satisfactory people. So sure of themselves, and what they want to do– I feel miles behind them.

Sure, I know what I want to do, and even the steps in how to do it. (This education being integral among them.) But, I do not yet know who I am. I do not believe in finding yourself. It is not as if the package of Leah is somewhere out there and all I have to is stumble upon it and I have discovered my hopes and dreams and personality all packed neatly together and gift wrapped. Establishing an identity is a process, and it takes time. People will help to shape who I am, and places will help define me. My own introspection, extroversion– my victories of assimilation and the defeats of alientations all play a role in who I am and who I will be. Part of me wonders if I will ever know, and whether or not this search to form my individual identity will ever end. What’s more, perhaps my perception of the assurance of my classmates is incorrect, for they are still too work constantly creating their own personas. Interesting concept.

I think that every person I meet here, I will keep part of them with me for years to come. I know that it is difficult for me to launch into these kinds of connections with people. I have trained myself in extroversion to the point where I can hide my feelings of embarrassment or humiliation in the event that I find I am not fairing well socially. However, I do not have to work hard to put myself out there, to let every person, classmate or professor or staff impact me in such an unforgettable way. Every person here is very special and there is a profound reason why I found this program and why we are all here together.

Perhaps some would mistake this for the dreaded honeymoon phase, but I think it goes beyond such a label. I am unsure now how our meeting and collaboration will fall into place, but there will come great things from our work at SIT and byond. I am so thankful to be a part of it. I am so happy here.

Like Astrakhan, I have been adopted into a new place where I have people that care about me and friends to support me. I am able to support others, make people smile and spread the joy that I feel inside of me to those around me. How could anyone not love a place like this, no matter what stresses will come their way.

The incredible part is, I have spent only three days in Bratlleboro VT, orientating myself to the new surroundings, but I have met people that I already know will change my life. It seems I have finally escaped the monotony that I suffered at my undergraduate institution. The vibrant, yet oppressive “college culture” has finally passed and I emerged into a new world of exploration in a big way. Every single person I meet here seems saturated with experience, culture, stories of far away places. It makes feel so empowered to be around such brilliance, but also, so incredibly young– as if I should lie belly flat on the floor and listen to the more mature “adults” in the room. That of course, while tantalizingly regressive, makes me feel sort of intimidated. I assume that come the passing of time where I get my bearings and am able to communicate on a different level with my 187 classmates– that feeling will pass.

I did set a number of small goals, and through ups and downs of stress all day, I was able to get a clear cut of some of the more important things I would be learning. I have certain competancies that I will be focusing on through my classes here, and will develop my own learning plan to track my progress. I am so excited to develop my own plan, design my own major in the PIM Program of Intercultural Service Leadership and Management.

1) Learning and Professional Development – To deepen my self awareness and gain skills to further my own learning and professional goals… professional development, communication skills and inquiry and research

2) Intercultural Communication and Competence – expanding awareness of others and gain skills to ruther communication across differences… articulate different learning styles, show sensitivity, speak second and third languages

3) Leadership and Management – deepening the awareness of groups, organizations, and community and gain skills to work effectively in all three situations

4) Transformational change processes in organizations and society – develop awareness of change processes and gain skills for effecting organizational and social changes.

With these focal points I am going to be spending the next few days designing and implementing the next nine months of my academic life! I can’t wait.

I have grown accustomed to the weather, although 55 degrees Celsius is rather ridiculous. Water boils at 100 degrees Celsius, so … Really? I have been able to makу it through those days. We have had about three days of “rainy” weather without actual rain. It all seems to hang in the air, like you’re in a sauna, a hot cloud of discomfort and clothes sticking to skin. Luckily I live a 20 minute walk from the beach.

The academic portion of the program has been quite rigorous. My grades have improved a great deal, which is nice, but at the same time, the heavy burden of being in a constant state of “incorrect” (much like the hazy cloud of rainy weather that had been hanging around Astrakhan) is disconcerting. However, on the plus side, every small victory, every small jump in grade that I am given feels like I just scaled Mount. Everest.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to shake those around me, as positively scream that I am indeed an intelligent human being! I can carry on an intellectual conversation about the Large Hadron Collider, Physiopsychology, Freud, the modern world politcal front, I can spin you tales of the Globalization Gap and even through in a little French… it’s a shame that the amazing people I met here will never get to see that side of me. Maybe it’s for the better.

I have successfully honed my superiour communication skills to include dates into my weekly agenda. Which, from a purely pyschological point of view, are in themselves like small excursions. I have found that in Russia, I am more socially savvy because I am extra-sensative to body language. That is normal when I am not understanding every word that is being said, but having that hyper-awareness has made it easier to react in positive ways and return signals that I may have missed in the States. I suppose that the work never ends, because even dinner and a walk along the banks of the Volga turns into a scientific project.

As of right now, I have 5 official test-laden days of school left, scattered with some really neat excursions to see the Lotus fields (which are supposed to be amazing beautiful, being the regional flower). I also plan on working as hard as I can academically, and relaxing as much as I posibbly can, cramming as much as I can of Asrakhan into my final few weeks before St. Petersburg. (Ready… break!)

It feels like time has flown by without me!  I will have to work hard to slow it down by this point. I will try to be diligent about better updates in the future, but unfortunately, internet has become an unimportant part of my life right now (*insert snooty tone here*).

As we were looking at the pictures, one of the media kids with a very distinct piercing below his mouth looked over my shoulder at my various “action shots”. I did not shoo him away, but I distinctly changed the angle of my pheromones so he would go away. (Only I should get to see my uneven tan pixel by pixel, it’s sort of like changing clothes in front of a stranger.)

After I had some glossy picture souvenirs, my dear friend Ivan Ivanovich spent two hours conversing about various life lessons I should understand in Russian. I am certain I got them all, but maybe he’ll give me a pop quiz tomorrow, who knows.

I left around 5:00 pm, ready to head home and immerse myself in homework– and as I went down the stairs, I see media boy with another. He stopped me and because it was just so precious, I am going to record and translate the conversation below, for the sake of ease, I will write, “him” and “Me”:

Him: “Hey girl!” (can also be translated as, “Hey Miss.”

Me: “Yes?”

Him: “Are you one of the American students?”

Me: “No. One of the Chinese students.”

Him: “Ah…” … … …

Me: “Yes, I am an American student.”

Him: “You have nice legs.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Exit Me.

I could certainly launch into an explanation of stereotypes, and how he assumes because I am an American, he feels I will respond well to a compliment of that raw magnitude. Or I could just take it for what it is, and go to sleep smiling because running every morning and walking everywhere has indeed led me to “have nice legs”.

Sometimes no matter how horrible my day is within the confines of grammar and conversation– I still love it here.

The amount of time you spend looking silly trying to flirt with Russian dudes

and

The speed at which time goes by in Russia.

(Emphasis on the “looking silly” part.)

I have been the lucky maker of Russian friends every week. I am constantly hurling myself into socially awkward situations, which is not really that difficult when it comes down to it in the country. I have recently befriended two University students named Dali and Tanya. We met when I was getting ready for my Cooking class (the dreaded Borscht fiasco where I tried to saute a vegetable that is sacred to the Russian Cuisine). I wear a massive amount of homemade friendship bracelets around my wrists, neck and ankles. they are a tribute to my boredom, or when I need a break from the constant homework I devote four hours of every night to.  They too make their own bracelets and we compared. Naturally, the next step after being introduced was to make each other some bracelets.

Now that you have sufficient background, I must now inform you that these two have their own television program on the evening news. Astrakhan State University offers various degree programs in communications so they have a sort of internship program with the city.

It turns out, that they decided to do another feature on our cooking class, and that all the times we were being filmed and I was being intervieweв aired last night, to the pleasure of my host babushka and her friends. It is eerie to have watched Putin give an address from the Duma in Moscow, and then, see myself pitifully speaking Russian for the entire city hear! It’s one thing to have the grammar of a 12 year old in class, in conversation where I can blush freely and excuse myself– but being interviewed for television where all my mistakes lay naked and exposed (like my ego) was a completely different animal.

It was soemwhat of a thrill to have my face up in lights. because I was the primary cook that day, most of the shots were of me cooking. I covered my eyes and hoped they edited the whole “Americanization of the Borscht” out of the feature, and they did, however, they still showed a point where my face was bright red from having just made the mistake. It’s kind of funny, and I know that my babushka was proud. She called all her friends and told them how her American daughter is a Russian cook!

I really love my “extracurriculars” at the University. because of the timeing and my Media Club every Thursday, Dali and Tanya want me to help out with their television program. Awesome. The last few weeks, people have been bailing on the club, leaving me alone with Ivan Ivanovich and his soul sucking. I am excited to see what kind of magic we’re going to create, and whether or not I can manage to efectively gather my aura-soul energy into an effective projectile.

“Check it out Mom, not only did I learn how to speak Russian, but I can catch all the Pokemon!”

 I hope that this email finds you all happy,healthy and enjoying summer. (I heard that we have finally achieved the elusive sun at home on the east coast, I would love to send you some of mine!) I apologize for the tardiness in my email, Friday was a busy day! Why? Well, we had a group excursion to the Duma (the Parliamentary body in Astrakhan). We left school early (not before receiving our latest exam scores in Grammar however, good news, I am steadily improving!) and headed to the center of the city to an old red brick building with plush carpets, high ceilings and beautiful oils of the city hanging every ten feet along the white walls. We met with six parliamentary representatives, three of whom were part of Putin’s Edinaya Rossiya party and three from other parties. Sitting in a circle we were taught a little about how the regional government in Astrakhan operates and what kind of territory is covered. It was actually quite interesting although I will not pretend to be a political science whiz. Really just being in the governmental halls, and yes, in the deliberation rooms where I was sitting in the Speaker’s chair was quite thrilling. Our group was allotted time for questions and asked about everything from tourism to impending oil troubles to unique ethnic tensions between the diverse area (hint hint, that one was mine). It was incredibly nerve racking to speak in front of all those officials in my not-so-advanced Russian, but I was well received and told I did well by my program coordinator and professors that accompanied us. How many peoplу have the ability to say that they hung out in a Russian Duma? Well, how many American students can say that they hung out in a Russian Duma? Not many… I am so thankful for that opportunity!

 Two weekends ago was my much anticipated trip to Volgograd, which was as beautiful a city as you could hope. The time we spent there was complimented with immaculate weather and sparkling deep blue waters of the Volga River that is enough to make your breath catch in your throat. It felt almost like I was in a resort town of some kind. Kind of thrilling walking around through beautiful manicured parks and awestruck at enormous tributes to World War II on every corner. The obligatory enormous Statue of Lenin, the several Soviet soldier memorials, and placing a flower at the eternal flame near the Russian equivalent of the Statue of Liberty, an enormous female in robes, calling over her shoulder in a silent battle cry, branding a sword in the air. (Over 160 feet tall, and standing on the horizon like a God on earth…) It was breathtaking. It is rare to be in the shadow of such immense beauty. So large, but so graceful, it’s difficult to properly explain the feeling as you go through different parks and pools only to feel that you are becoming smaller and smaller. A humbling, yet powerful experience, with a crackling loudspeaker replaying the radio reports about the war on loop, a reminder of history and how the war was forever changed when the Nazis were defeated in Stalingrad. We also visited the Soviet Panorama Museum, a beautifully constructed building, circles of millions of artifacts from World War II, Stalin’s seemingly entire wardrobe and at the top, a 360 degree life size recreation of the Soviet front. The walls painted in great detail and melting into 3D in a seamless fashion, with the lights it seemed as if you were really part of that war. It was both frightening but painfully interesting at the same time. I will not pretend I understood the entire tour, but I was able to catch enough to admire the courage and the potent sense of victory after those battles against Germany.

As if Volgograd was not cool enough, we took overnight train rides to and from the city. For those of you that have never slept on a train, don’t. Well, you can, but ideally not two days in a row. It’s been over 10 days and my body still creaks in ways it did not when I arrived in Astrakhan. I managed to make some new Russian friends on the train, which was great, and learned some Russian card games. It’s a culture unto itself, being on the train, in compartments where you are thrown into a communication unlike many others. Perhaps I will take that two week train trip across Russian through Siberia… a test of will and ability to use the bathroom on a moving training. Perhaps I’ll wait a bit…

I have been participating in two different clubs at Astrakhan State University. My first one is a cooking class, Ruskaya Cooknaya, and today we made pelmini, hand rolled ravioli with filling of meet, onions, dill, salt and pepper (getting the hang of folding them in different ways took a bit, but they were delicious). Last week we made borscht, which fell largely on me and my mistake of attempting to saute cabbage. You just don’t saute cabbage, you can’t. There is some unwritten innate feeling within you that screams: “Wrong pan!” Luckily, I caught it early enough to where I was able to gingerly extract every string of cabbage from the carrots, garlic, tomatoes and onions. Phew! I did however, make that terrifying mistake on film, which was humiliating to say the least. Although that hiccup in the arrangements did indeed occur by my hand, the borscht was still delicious and I heard zero complaints. My second one on Thursdays is Media, where last week I learned about the different intonations of photos. One photo with different angles, such as placing the main object on different edges of the shot can create different meanings. I was able to use their camera to capture some shots on my own, and I think I did a good job. Who would have believed my photography skills would actually get better in Russia. I have always been hopeless at trying to take photographs!

Yesterday I went to a children’s theatre and saw some of Pushkin’s fairy tales done by a very colorful, very loud and incredibly talent group of professional actors. Aside from being surrounded by tidal waves of small children, (which really does take patience to a fault) the rhetoric was slower than normal and the emotions and actions exaggerated as only they can be in a theatre. I loved it. The happy music, the colors and the massive expression was not only easier to understand, but tapped my inner child, pleasing me on the same level as my 7 year old counterparts on either side. I hope to go back

The weather has been slightly better now that I have had three weeks to grow accustomed to the climate. I have learned when to drink water (all the time) and have fallen into a comfortable routine for the weekdays. Classes still are incredibly challenging, and social situations are still more stressful than they are at home. (If they were not I would be worried.) My greatest pet peeve in Astrakhan is being infantilized. I understand that people do not mean to treat me this way, and it’s therefore very hard to channel that frustration. I understand that because I do not speak a lot, and when I do, it is on a grade school level — and people have the unconscious reaction of treating my like a grade school student. It cannot be helped, but I have grown wary of it, and it is one of the driving forces that helps me get through three to four hours of homework per night. Mastering my lists of Active Words may same me from the shroud of simplicity. I also understand that I have a long way to go, and perfection does not just simply come overnight.

On the up side however, I had my first three week oral exam, where I was to draw a topic at random and speak nonstop about it in front of my class and my professors for 25 minutes using intellectual terminology and incorporating what I learned about the lesson in class. Then my classmates were instructed to ask me questions. I pulled the topic of the System of Education in Russia. I achieved full marks, speaking the longest and telling about about my experiences inn St. Petersburg to compliment what I already knew. It felt refreshing to do so well.

I am not even halfway through the program and already I have learned so much. I wish there was more ways that I can share my experience, which is continuing to surprise me every single day. The challenges are different, and the small victories are growing in number. I am learning so much and having the time of my life. This is truly a rewarding and amazing experience and I look forward to any questions or comments you may have. Stay safe and well!